


forever and always

by kihyuks



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyuks/pseuds/kihyuks
Summary: kihyun does everything he can. he tries his very best. he reminds him how much he loves him.but still, he loses minhyuk.





	forever and always

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, death, depression
> 
> please don't read this if you might be affected in any way

It’s impossible for Kihyun to pinpoint the exact moment Minhyuk started slipping away from him. It was gradual, slow. So slow, in fact, that he only realises when it’s too late.

The past few months of their relationship have been strained. Minhyuk has been too distant, just out of Kihyun’s reach. Kihyun’s been trying, he really has, but his effort feels futile when he only seems to push Minhyuk further away.

They haven’t broken up, no, but Kihyun can’t quite say they’re still together, either.

It’s the 18th of December. It’s been a few days since Minhyuk has replied to any of his texts. Any of his calls.

It’s not unusual for Minhyuk of recent, but it concerns Kihyun.

He’s outside of Minhyuk’s front door. Has been for the past ten minutes. His attempts at knocking are pointless; Minhyuk won’t answer. Kihyun knows he won’t answer because he never does.

He doesn’t want to invade his privacy, but he’s worried, so he takes the spare key from under the doormat and lets himself in.

It’s cold inside. Almost as cold as outside. It’s worrying considering it’s the middle of winter.

He checks the thermostat. It’s off.

“Minhyuk?” he calls into the flat.

It doesn’t look like anyone lives here anymore. It’s still. Quiet. Everything is untouched, dust coats the surfaces, the air feels stale.

There’s no reply from Minhyuk, of course.

Stepping further into the flat, Kihyun feels his heart rate pick up. It’s unnervingly quiet.

He only notices he’s chewing on his nails when he reaches Minhyuk’s bedroom door.

It’s open. He only has to push lightly on it for it to swing open, but something prevents him. Maybe the unknown of what he’ll find. Maybe the knowledge that he might have to face his biggest fear.

With a deep breath, he pushes the door open. “Minhyuk?” he whispers into the dark room.

He steps inside. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they do he sees the small tuft of hair peeking out from the top of the duvet.

It shouldn’t reassure him to hear the quiet sobs that come from the bed, but it does.

“Thank god,” he breathes.

He approaches the bed and perches on the edge, cautiously. “I was so worried about you.”

There’s no reply. Only more muffled sobs.

“I love you, Minhyuk. I love you so much,” Kihyun continues. “I want to help you. We all want to help you. Me, Changkyun, Jooheon, Hyunwoo, even Hoseok and Hyungwon have been asking about you. Please let us help. Let me help.”

The sobbing gets louder.

Kihyun waits. He waits for Minhyuk to calm down. He waits for the sobs to stop. He just waits.

Minhyuk goes quiet. Eerily so. Quiet enough that Kihyun would think he’s fallen asleep. Except, in the next moment, he finally speaks. “It’s worthless. I’m worthless.” His voice is scratchy, raw from lack of use.

“You’re not worthless. You’re anything but worthless.” Kihyun wants to reach out, to touch Minhyuk, but he doesn’t want Minhyuk to shrink back into himself.

Minhyuk stays silent.

“I love you,” Kihyun repeats.

No answer.

“Please, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk finally moves. He sits up, slowly, and it’s like the movement is painful for him.

When he turns to face Kihyun, his eyes are bloodshot. His hair is all over the place. His face is pale.

He doesn’t look like a human. He looks like a ghost.

“Just go.” He sounds emotionless. Empty.

Kihyun wants to say more. He wants to help. He wants to make Minhyuk understand how important he is. 

But he does none of that. He nods and he leaves. Just as Minhyuk asked.

 

* * *

 

For a few days, it seems to get better. Minhyuk is replying to his texts, albeit his answers are short. His words are dull. Not full of the life and energy Minhyuk once had. They are replies, though, and Kihyun thinks he’s made progress. Finally gotten through to Minhyuk.

Naïve. That’s what Kihyun is.

Naïve of him to think it’d get better just like that. Naïve of him to think it’d last.

Minhyuk stops replying.

Kihyun keeps texting, but Minhyuk is unreachable.

He feels like he’s fighting with himself between leaving Minhyuk alone like he wants, and marching into his room and pulling him out of bed and _making_ him talk.

On the 2nd January, after two weeks of no contact, Kihyun goes back to Minhyuk’s flat.

He doesn’t bother knocking this time. He knows he won’t get an answer if he tries.

The flat looks unchanged from the last time he was here. It’s still as empty and cold. The layers of dust seem to have gotten thicker. He wonders if Minhyuk’s even left his room.

Kihyun walks straight to Minhyuk’s bedroom. There is a difference there, though. The door isn’t open like it was the last time. Kihyun tries the handle, but it’s locked. Concerning, yes, but not the first time Minhyuk’s locked himself away in his room Kihyun reminds himself to ease his anxiety.

“Minhyuk, please open the door.”

No sounds from inside, predictably.

“I love you. I miss you. I just want to help you so please let me in. Let me help.”

It feels like talking to an empty room. He has no guarantee Minhyuk is even in there. But where else could he be, really?

Kihyun keeps talking. “You’re important to me. So important. More than I can put into words. You’re not just my best friend and my boyfriend, but you’re my soulmate. I love you so fucking much, Minhyuk, and it kills me to see you like this. I want to see you happy. You deserve to be happy. And you will be. You will be happy, you just need to let me help. Tell me what’s going on. Just talk to me, please.”

Kihyun slumps against the door, and slides down until he’s seated on the floor, resting against the door.

“Just let me in, please,” he pleads. “Let me in.” 

He falls asleep sitting at Minhyuk’s bedroom door.

 

* * *

 

Kihyun tries not to regret things. It’s better to live in the present than dwell on the past, he always says. It does no good to regret.

Forgetting to take his phone to his room on the night of 5th January is his biggest regret of his life.

The morning of the 6th he wakes up feeling refreshed, well-rested. The sun is shining into his room through the crack in his curtains. It feels like a good morning. He stretches out his back and pads into his kitchen. 

He takes his phone from the table where he left it and unlocks it. He’s bombarded with notifications. He scrolls back through them, trying to figure out what happened.

 

 **Changkyun [04:47]  
**Call me

 **Changkyun [04:42]  
**5 missed calls

 **Hyunwoo [03:20]  
**2 missed calls

 **Jooheon [02:56]  
**Kihyun answer the phone please answer the phone

 **Changkyun [02:45]  
**2 missed calls

 **Jooheon [02:29]  
**3 missed calls

 **Hoseok [02:23]  
**1 missed call

 **Jooheon [01:48]  
**2 missed calls

 **Hyunwoo [01:23]  
**1 missed call 

 **Minhyuk [00:56]  
**I love you.

 

Changkyun was the last person to call, so Kihyun presses his number and holds the phone up to his ear. He taps his foot on the floor and gnaws at his lip while he listens to it ring.

When Changkyun picks up, he’s sobbing. He’s just sobbing into the phone, and Kihyun feels his heart fill with terror.

“He’s gone,” Changkyun manages through his sobs.

Kihyun doesn’t react when his phone slips from his hand. He doesn’t react when he hears it crack as it hits the floor.

All he can do is stand there. Stand there with his mouth hanging open, his hand still raised to his ear where he held his phone.

He’s shaking, it distantly registers. His eyes fill with tears. He chokes out a sob. He knows all these things are happening to him, he feels them, but it’s like he’s not truly experiencing any of it.

His knees give out and he drops to the floor. He lets himself slump over. He lets himself sob as the words sink in.

_He’s gone._

Two little words. Only two words and his whole world feels like it’s shattered. Changkyun didn’t have to say a name, didn’t have to be specific, but Kihyun knows. He knows what it means.

His second regret, he realises sometime when he’s laying on his kitchen floor, his body shaking with racking sobs, is that he didn’t try harder. He didn’t save Minhyuk. He couldn’t save Minhyuk.

He faintly registers someone entering his flat. Someone kneels down next to him, they put a hand on his shoulder, but Kihyun barely feels it. 

 _He’s gone._ It runs through his mind on repeat. And he weeps.

 

* * *

 

On the 8th January, a letter arrives. Kihyun considers ignoring it, but he recognises that handwriting. He’d know that handwriting anywhere.

His eyes fill with tears before he even gets a chance to rip it open.

It’s too soon to read it. He knows. But he needs to read it. He needs to know what it says.

 

_Dear my beloved,_

_When you receive this I’ll already be free. I am sorry for leaving you and I’m sorry for being a coward and only writing you this letter, but it’s my only choice. I hope you understand._

_I love you. I always have and I always will. Forever and always._

_Like you said the other day, we’re soulmates. You complete me._

_I heard everything. I’m sorry I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. But I heard. I heard and I know you tried. I know you did your best._

_You did everything you could, so please don’t blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Some people just can’t be saved. Aren’t worth saving. You did your best._

_I tried holding on. I tried for you. For Changkyun. For Jooheon, Hyunwoo. For my family. For Hoseok and Hyungwon. But I can’t hold on any longer._

_I want to be free. Be free from this hell. It’s not life. I’m not living. I’m already dead._

_I want you to remember that I’ll always love you. I’ll always be here. But I want you to move on. Remember me, but let me go. Find someone who brings you the happiness you deserve. That’s all I ask from you._

_You’re the best thing in my life. The most important. You bring me joy. You give me life._

_But I can’t anymore. I’m sorry._

_I wish we could’ve got married. I would’ve loved to see you on our wedding day._

_Unfortunately, it can’t be that way._

_You might think I’m selfish and that’s okay. You might resent me and that’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. You’re allowed to be hurt._

_But I love you. And this isn’t your fault, will never be your fault. It’s just how things have to happen._

_Thank you, Kihyun. Thank you for everything. For all the happiness you brought me. For being my best friend. For being the love of my life and my soulmate._

_Forever and always,  
_ _Minhyuk_

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry for this
> 
> twitter: [@changkihyks](http://twitter.com/changkihyks/)


End file.
